Posted On February 1, 2019

Super Bowl LIII Preview: Get Back

by | Feb 1, 2019 | Sports

Another glorious year of NFL football draws to a close and a desperate nation turns its lonely eyes to Los Angeles. Meanwhile, most of Los Angeles was recently surprised to learn it had a football team. They have shoulder pads and everything! Cool, huh? Although most residents feel a bit slighted that New York has 2 teams and they only have one, but they’re pretty sure that’ll change someday.

Meanwhile, the evil empire of New England somehow managed to survive their way to yet another final game. I say “final game” not because I’m afraid the NFL will sue us and take all of Allen’s book revenue, but because at this point there are probably high-level talks of changing the name to “The 53rd Annual Bill Belichick/Tom Brady Celebrity Football Showcase and Invitational.” I’m sure Roger Goodell will find a way to even screw that up – probably by calling it a football match or something. Nevertheless, the debate will rage for decades as to if the football world is more sick of Alabama or New England. Put me down for New England.

Here at Things Above, when we’re not pretending to do a podcast and writing blog posts about the various goings-on of the Christian world, we also like to watch some sports. For sports fans, this weekend is one you plan around as it approaches. You don’t miss this game. You can’t miss Joe Montana driving down the field with mere seconds to spare, devouring the Bengals defense like Mike and I devour tacos. You don’t miss Eli Manning being possessed by the spirit of his more competent brother as he completes passes to Amani Toomer, Plaxico Burress, and… David Tyree’s helmet(??). How can you miss James Harrison rumbling bumbling stumbling 101 yards to end the first half in the longest defensive touchdown in the game’s history? You don’t miss “one yard short,” “the guarantee,” and “the fridge.” It’s must-watch TV.

What’s that? You don’t like to have fun because some dude who was run out the league knelt down once? Never fear! Another thing we like to do around here is to tell you what’s going to happen before it happens. Such fools your coworkers and family will be, staying up late to watch the game when they could have just read this and felt the certainty of the outcome already! Don’t worry, it’ll be our little secret. You go ahead and skip the game, read that RC Sp… I mean Allen Nelson… book, then get a good night’s sleep. Let everyone else tire themselves waiting for the final whistle having to endure the nation’s corporations virtue signal about their wokeness. You, my friend, are already half-way there.

The winner.

Allen and I have the Patriots. Mike has the Rams. Poor Mike, bless his heart. Pray for him. Mike sees this as a slog until the 4th quarter when both offenses will explode. I agree with him but I think the Pats are too much for the Rams to handle. Sean McVay can walk backwards and clap all he wants, his linebackers are still pretty bad and his QB isn’t Tom Brady. It also doesn’t help that we’re headed to a Todd Gurley ACL surgery in the off-season (RIP my fantasy team). Allen was the only guy to guess right last year.

The score.

Mike has it as a close game, 31-30 (Rams), Allen has it at a high scoring 41-37 (Pats). I guess we all like offense because I see it 31-27 (Pats). I think the Rams miss a crucial 2 point attempt with a few minutes left and never touch the ball again. Defense is dead.


Allen has Tom Brady and Mike has CJ Anderson for some reason not even Spurgeon can explain. I’m going to go with Tom Brady as well. He solidifies himself as the greatest with 300+ yards and 3 TDS.

Is this the last hurrah for the Patriots?

“Yup. Thanks be to God.” —Michael Coughlin. From your mouth to God’s ears old buddy. Allen and I disagree. Tom Brady will be winning Super Bowls when my grandkids get married. We’re stuck with him.

New England Offseason

I think they trade away James White into oblivion. They build the offense around Sonny Michel, and probably find some wide receiver off the scrap heap that becomes their #1. Chances are also good Gronk retires. Allen has them acquiring *checks notes* uh, Cole Beasley? Mike continues to win my heart: “Infighting, blaming, like an ugly divorce. Robert Kraft finally checks into alcohol rehab.” Oh Michael, how you charm me with your sweet poetry.

Los Angeles Offseason

Mike sees the rich getting richer and Jared Goff dates a high profile actress. Allen thinks they’ll part ways with Suh. I see them foolishly signing CJ Anderson and giving him too big a role. He’ll be a bust. They’ll ignore their weaknesses because McVay is just so smart, ya know. I also think the people of LA will finally stop asking when the “Super Game” is around mid-March.

NFL Offseason

Allen likes the Rams and Chiefs to maintain their dominance. He thinks the Patriots remains a force in the AFC as they hold off the rising star of the Colts. He likes the Cowboys to enter into Super Bowl talk but the Saints to fade away. The NFL itself will also implement a replay rule for pass interference, he thinks.

I agree with him there and I see a big increase in what can be reviewed. It’ll be a glorious disaster, but that’s never stopped them before. I think the window closes for the Steelers and Saints, the Rams take a step back, and Pat Mahomes suddenly looks like Blake Bortles as the no-look passes and high risk plays strangely don’t work anymore. I could see the Texans putting it together too. Mitch Trubisky is benched by week 9.

Mike sees the Chiefs winning a playoff game and little else. Colts go 10-0 to start the season, and the Browns win the AFC North. He thinks the Panthers are headed for their sad place. Of course, he “predicts” the NFL will virtue signal about toxic masculinity while Jameis Winston has a job and they sell cheerleader bikini calendars. I mean, if we’re stating the obvious, Mike, why are we calling it a prediction?

Crazy early, don’t hold us to it, predictions for Super Bowl LIV

Mike: Colts 38, Rams 34

Allen: Dallas over Kansas City

Me: Misery, pain, lamenting, shame, torment, and the Patriots beating the Seahawks 27-13.

Have fun this Sunday. GO. RAMS.

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